Before, During, After
by GMMR
Summary: Jim & Pam fic. The first chapter begins with the events of May 11th, Casino Night. Subsequent chapters will deal with the aftermath of the kiss. My first fan fic, so be gentle :
1. Chapter 1

That was it. There was nothing more he could do. He told her how he felt. Although he wasn't planning on telling her he loved her, right there and then in the parking lot, it wasn't something he could control. It was almost like he wasn't there. He had planned on telling her about the transfer to Stamford, but there she was, standing in front of him, looking more beautiful than he had ever seen her, and the words just came out. And once it was out there he couldn't take it back.

He told her that he loved her. She wasn't even sure she heard him the first time. With each word he spoke, she grew more lightheaded. What was he doing? He can't do this to her. Not now. Not after she waited all these years to get her life with Roy started. Why? Why now?

He said that he needed her to know…once. _Once_. With that one word her head started spinning. She tried to get a hold of herself but it felt almost impossible. He looked at her with those eyes. The same ones she had looked into everyday for the past three years. Now she would do anything for him to take his eyes off her. She was convinced that his eyes could see directly into her heart, and although she knew it wasn't true, she felt too vulnerable. She was the one who had to look away first.

She took a deep breath, and lifted her head to tell him that she was sorry, but she didn't love him. But as she looked up at him, she was without words. "I, um, I…..I can't?" was all she could manage to say. His eyes dropped to the ground, and she had to say something, anything to make this better. "You have no idea…what your friendship means to me." He tried to stop her from saying it, but she did. It was clichéd and hurtful, she knew that, but that's all she could manage to say.

He never thought two words could hurt so much – I can't. Two words and his world shattered around him. She had said that he had misinterpreted their friendship. He knew better. But she said her peace, and he could do nothing but accept it. He managed a small smile, and walked away from her. He wasn't sure how he got from the parking lot to the small pond behind the building. He doesn't remember walking there. The only thing he can seem to remember was the blank look on her face when he walked.

It wasn't until he was sitting by the pond a few minutes that he realized that when she said, "I can't", it was more of a question than an answer.

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Needing to get away, she went to the one place where she knew no one would be. The office. She had been in that office thousands of times before, but now everything seemed different. Jim was everywhere. He was at her reception desk eating jellybeans and making her laugh. He was in the break room eating his ham and cheese sandwich. He was in the hall waiting to walk her to her car. She was staring at his desk, when she picked up the phone and called the one person who could help her make sense of all this. Her mother.

The phone seemed to ring forever before her mother finally picked up. Hello?

"Hi Mom. I need to talk to you"

"_Pam, honey, are you ok?__"_

"No, I don't know. Jim just told he is in love with me."

"_What? When did this happen?"_

"About ten minutes ago."

"_Did you tell him how you feel about all this?"_

"No, I didn't know what to say"

"_Pam, you are getting married in a few weeks."_

"Yes, I know."

"_Well how do you feel about Jim?" _

"Um, I don't know, Mom, he's my best friend."

"_Well what about Roy? Isn't he your best friend?". _

"Yeah, he's great."

"_Pam, do you think you might be in love with Jim?"_

"Yeah, I think I am"

Just as she was saying those life altering words, he walked in. She quickly got off the phone with her mother. She knew if she was going to make things right with her best friend, she had to say something right now.

"Listen, Jim". That's all she could manage to say before he leaned down and kissed her.

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What was he doing? He had never been so impulsive in his whole life. He had only gone back up the office to get his keys so he could go home and end this horrible night. But as he opened the door he could hear her voice. "Yeah, I think I am". He wasn't sure who she was talking to, or what "yeah, I think I am" meant…or even if it had anything to do with him. But her voice sounded so weak, and scared, and all he wanted to do was tell her everything was going to be ok. But for the second time that night, something in Jim pushed him to step outside himself. As she quickly hung up the phone and started walking toward him, the only thought in his mind was, "she was wrong". There was no way he had misinterpreted their friendship. It wasn't possible. He knew Pam better than she knew herself. She wasn't someone that took risks. She liked to stay in a place where things were comfortable, familiar and predictable. This night was anything but predictable, and he knew that this was it…his very last shot to make her understand how deeply he felt for her. As she said "listen, Jim" he knew he had to kiss her. He couldn't let her fear of the unknown get in the way of this moment. He knew she had feelings for him, but she was just too afraid to admit it. This was his last chance. So he leaned down and kissed her.

For the first few seconds neither one of the really moved. His lips were on her mouth, his hands on the small of her back, but since the moment he kissed her it was as if he were waiting for her to push him away. But she didn't. The minute she felt him pull back a little she knew she couldn't let him go. Her hands moved through his hair and she pulled him back to her. Breathing deeply, taking it all in, they kissed. Their mouths, their bodies, their hands…it's as if they couldn't tell where one of the ended and the other began. It was the most intense kiss either of then had ever shared.

But she knew it was wrong. She had promised herself to Roy. She said that she would spend the rest of her life as his wife. And now here she was kissing Jim.

She pulled back from him despite the magnetic force that seemed to draw them together in that moment. Her hand lingered on his chest for just a moment. She had never really touched him before, and it scared her how right it felt.

They just stared at each other, not knowing what to say. It seemed like forever before one of the spoke, but one of them had to so she found enough breath to say…


	2. Chapter 2

_**Yeah, so if I owned these characters, I'd be busy spending my millions, and wouldn't be here writing fan fic :) This story is my first attempt at fanfic. I'm not really sure how to write dialogue, or if my switching of voices is too confusing. I'd love some feedback.**_

"Jim, I can't do this."

He took a step back away from her and quietly sighed in frustration. His exasperation bothered her, and her guilt was making her defensive.

"I'm getting married in a few weeks, and you know that! Why did you kiss me?"

His eyes shifted from her face to the ground, "You_ know_ why I kissed you." he said, his voice softly cracking, "I'm in love with you, and I think that you love me".

He finally looked up only to find her crossing her arms and glaring at him, her eyes filled with tears. In an instant his own guilt subsided and his frustration surfaced.

"No, Pam, I don't think that you love me, I know that you love me. I also know how much it scares you. So yeah, I kissed you. One of us had to be honest about what was going on here."

"Oh, so I love you? Is that what you think?" she said angered. But before he could answer she gathered her coat and headed for the door. She couldn't stand to be there. She was afraid that another moment standing in front of him would destroy her.

"Pam, wait, please." He begged.

With her hand on the door handle she stopped. She couldn't bear to turn around and look at him. With her back to him, the only words she could manage were "Jim, I can't."

"Let me just ask you one question before you walk out that door….do you love him?"

In anger she quickly turned around, "How can you ask me that? Do you know how long I've been with Roy? We are getting married in a few weeks and you have the nerve to ask me if I love him?" She once again turns toward the door, and as she opens it to leave, she heard him say "You never answered my question. Do you love him?"

His question hung it the air. But there was nothing she could say. She walked straight out the door, never turning back.

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Although Michael was a bit miffed at the short notice, Pam was grateful that he let her take the next week off from work. She needed time away from Dunder Mifflin. She needed time away from Jim…and Roy. She told Roy she was going home to help her mom take care of a sick aunt for a few days. And when he called her parent's house, her mother covered for her, as she knew she would. The time she spent at home with her parents is exactly what she needed to clear her head…at least a bit. When she left to return to Scranton a week later, she didn't have all the answers, but she did have what she needed the most…a little perspective.

She paced back and forth in the hallway for nearly ten minutes before she got the nerve to enter the office. He was going to be there. He was always in before her in the morning. The long ride from her parent's house to work had given her plenty of time to play out the scene in her mind. After contemplating every possible scenario, she had decided that she was just going to walk in with a big smile on her face and pretend that nothing ever happened. He didn't kiss her. She didn't kiss him back. He didn't tell her that he loved her. Nope, things were going to be just as they were before the casino night. Things were going to be back to normal…yup, normal. She took almost the whole ride convincing herself that "normal" is what she wanted.

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Everything was the same yet all so different. How many times had he passed by the Dunder Mifflin logo in the hallway? He wanted to get in early this morning. He knew it was going to be a tough day for him, and he wanted to get started as soon as he could. He took a deep breath and opened the door. As he walked toward the receptionist's desk the reality of everything that had happened since the casino night came rushing back at him. He worked hard to keep it together. He smiled at her and simply said, "Hi. My name is Jim Halpert. Today is my first day."

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He wasn't at his desk. There was a part of her that was relieved. This gave her a chance to look busy and preoccupied by the time he got there. If she was already working it would be much easier for her to avoid eye contact. But for some reason all she could do was stare at the door. Where was he?

The office was strangely quiet. Phyllis and Meredith had stopped by to welcome her back, but they didn't stay long to chat, it was more out of politeness than anything else. Michael had called earlier to say he was running late this morning. It wasn't until about 11:30am that he showed up.

"Hey hey…look who's back. Um, Pam when you go on vacation you're supposed to come back with a tan. Duh."

"Michael I told you. I didn't go to the beach, I went to Rochester to take care of my aunt….she's sick." He had only been in the office one minute and she was already annoyed with him.

"Really? Oh, I thought that was just the excuse you were giving me so you could lounge around in your bikini all week. Hm. Sorry. But now that you are back and ready to tend to my every wish and desire, I have a little project for you. Corporate needs each of the sales reps to report their monthly forecasts by no later than noon today." He loved nothing more than give orders in front of the camera.

"But Michael, putting together the forecasts usually takes at least 3 days. And you want them done in a half hour?" she asked but already knew the answer.

"Yes m'am Pam…m'am. You don't want this branch to fall victim to downsizing do you?" he said with a certain sternness.

"No, it's just…" she was quickly cut off.

"Ok then. Off you go."

"Wait, Michael. Jim isn't in yet. How are we going to get his June forecasts?"

"Huh? Jim? Um, Pam…where have you been?" he asked amusingly.

"On vacation." she said matter of factly.

"Oh, right. Um, Pam", he stammered, "Let's go into my office so I can tell you exactly how I want this sales reports done."

She picked up her pen and notepad, and followed him into his office. As she walked she felt everyone's eyes on her.

She settled across from Michael who was taking his sweet time taking of his coat and unpacking his briefcase.

"Michael, we only have a half hour to get the numbers, so can this wait until later?", she asked.

"No, this can't wait." He said with a quiet, strangely reserved voice. "Um, I thought he would have told you. Had I known it was going to have to be me I would have prepared something…a speech perhaps."

"Michael, what are you talking about? Who is "he" and what should have "he" told me?", she was annoyed with his dramatics. She had to get these reports started.

"Pam, while you were on vacation, Jim decided to transfer to the Stamford branch. It happened quickly, and Jan needed him to start ASAP, so off he went. Jim doesn't work here anymore."

A wave of naseua came over her. He's gone? What? How could he not tell her he was leaving.

"Oh, um, right. I forgot. Yeah, he called me and left a message while I was away. Told me all about the transfer. I guess I…I guess I just forgot." she lied.

"Good. Whew. I thought I was going to have to be the one that told you your best friend moved away without even telling you. That would have been awkkkkkward. Ok, now that that's settled...on to the sales reports."

She wasn't sure if her legs would hold her as she stood to leave Michael's office. He was gone. He just left. He didn't say goodbye.

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He didn't allow himself anytime to think, he just picked up the phone and dialed. It has been three months since he last heard her voice, and despite all that had happened since, he still wasn't prepared.

"Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam."

Her voice knocked the wind out of him. He was immediately brought back to that night. The night she left him standing alone in the office.

"Hello? Dunder Mifflin. How can I direct your call?"

"Uh hey Pam. It's Jim. Um, is Michael in? Jan wanted me to fill him on the meeting he missed this morning."

It was him. She wasn't prepared to hear his voice when she picked up the phone. "Hey Jim. Michael's not in yet. Sorry. Can I take a message?" she hadn't meant to be so formal, but she didn't know what to say.

"Yeah, would you mind telling him that I called and I need to talk to him at some point today?". He sounded distant, like she was the last person in the world that he wanted to be talking to.

"Ok I will", she was about to hang up, but quickly asked, "Hey Jim. How's life in Stamford these days?" She tried to sounds cheerful, but she was convinced she came off as desperate.

"Stamford's ok I guess. Dwight's not here, but I manage." He tried to make their conversation light, but it just wasn't working. Although he knew talking to her was going to be tough, he hadn't imagined how painful it was going to be to hear her voice. Although she was the only person in the world he wanted to talk to, he had to hang up the phone.

"Hey Pam, sorry but I've got to run. I have a client calling on the other line. Take care."

And with that he hung up. He couldn't hear her say goodbye. That's the same reason he transferred to Stamford while she was gone….he couldn't hear her say goodbye.

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He didn't even say goodbye. Again. Without hesitation she stood up and quickly ran towards the elevator. She needed some air, and she couldn't bear to let her co-workers see her cry.

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She was married now. There was nothing he could do about it, so he had tried to move on. He left Scranton. Got a new job. A new apartment. A new girlfriend. But hearing her voice again…damn, he thought he had moved on…it was like being rejected by her all over again.


End file.
